How to Become More Assertive
Learn to Express Yourself Effectively and Honestly
Discover Effective Negotiation Strategies
Start to Meet Your Own Needs
Recognize Your Rights
What is Assertiveness?
A person who is assertive might be described as someone who:
- Expresses their views clearly and articulately without being aggressive
- Stands up for their own and other people's rights in a reasonable and clear way
- Allows other people a reasonable opportunity to express their opinions without allowing them to dominate a conversation
- Has the courage to express their own feelings, even about difficult issues, in a way which is respectful and honest.
Problems with Assertiveness
Problems with assertiveness usually fall into two contrasting types
1. Passive behaviour - where you have a tendency to want to avoid conflict or you feel that you shouldn't express your own feelings or thoughts, with the result that you go along with what others say or ask, without paying attention to your own needs.
2. Aggressive behaviour - where you have a tendency to dominate conversations or to ignore other people's views and seek to control what others do by dictating to them or telling them what they must or should do.
Sometimes it is possible to swing from one type of behaviour to the other - particularly if you have a general tendency to be too passive. This can lead to a build up of frustration and anger which can eventually come out in an aggressive way.
Assertiveness is not about forcing your views on others or dominating a conversation. Nor is it about allowing others to dominate you. It may be seen as a sensible middle way between the two extremes.
Is There an Easy Solution to Assertiveness Problems?
Becoming assertive if you are not naturally assertive involves practice and effort. Developing assertiveness (where you behave and speak in articulate sensible ways rather than passively or aggressively), whether through an assertiveness training course or through following instruction and techniques from coaches or books, requires you to retrain yourself to learn ways of being assertive and to unlearn habitual patterns of behaving which you may have had since you were young - perhaps because of notions that you were taught by important people in your lives such as parents or teachers, which influenced your behaviour and your self image.
Becoming more assertive will therefore involve you in learning helpful techniques or methods which need to be practised before they become second nature. There may not be an easy way round this but it is worth it if you are prepared to try it out, because of the benefits it brings. This assertiveness eBook does not offer an easy fix. It provides clear practical techniques for you to try out and practise on a consistent basis which are likely to help you to improve assertiveness and feel better about yourself and your relationships.
Becoming More Assertive
If you are behaving in passive or aggressive ways and would like to become more assertive, what can be helpful to you is to start to identify the thought patterns that are underpinning your non-assertive behaviour and to find effective ways of challenging or overcoming them.
For example, some common thoughts or beliefs underpinning passive behaviour are:
- The thought that if you express a viewpoint that the other person does not like they will become upset
- The thought that if you express your own feelings and needs you may be being selfish
- The thought that you don't deserve to have your needs met.
If these are thoughts with which you can identify then it is likely that you experience low self esteem and will benefit from information or coaching to help you improve your self esteem and deal with the negative thought patterns which contribute to your lack of assertiveness and your lack of confidence or self belief.
Some initial suggestions which may help you to be more assertive are:
1. Think of positive statements that you can say to yourself ("Positive Self Talk") to encourage you to take a chance and express your needs in a reasonable manner.
2. Draw up a list of what the potential advantages for you and your relationships could be if you can start being more assertive in your behaviour. Use this as a motivational tool when you are trying to muster the courage to express yourself in a more assertive way.
3. Set yourself realistic specific targets - Don't expect that you will become completely assertive overnight. Initially just set yourself one or two specific aims for what you want to communicate in a particular situation and how you might go about doing it.
4. Congratulate yourself for any successes you have in behaving a little more assertively, however small, and try to build on them.
5. Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Just do your best and seek support if appropriate.
Training Yourself to be Assertive - The Benefits
There are many potential benefits to training yourself to be assertive. If you can become more assertive it is likely to lead you to:
- Feel better about yourself
- Feel more confident
- Feel more relaxed
- Have a greater awareness of your own needs and how to meet them
- Be able to create personal and professional goals instead of putting other people's needs or wishes first
- Be able to work effectively in partnership with others
- Participate in honest, constructive relationships where you and others can develop understanding and respect and solve problems together.
Key Elements of Assertiveness
Key elements of assertiveness in the way you relate and interact with people in your personal and professional relationships are:
1. Clarity
2. Reasonableness
3. Honesty
4. Respect.
Effective assertiveness training helps you to develop these characteristics in the way you speak and behave in your personal and professional relationships.
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